Man Asks If He’s the Jerk For Telling His Scared Pregnant Wife That His Mom Had No Problems With 10-Pound Babies
Even if there aren’t complications, the whole pregnancy process can still make first-time parents nervous. There is a lot to learn before welcoming a baby into the world, and most parents want to be as prepared as possible.
Many new parents look for advice in books, in blogs, and sometimes they turn to their friends and family to ask for advice. What’s important to know is that new parents don’t really want advice about parenting unless they ask for advice. Unsolicited advice can feel judgmental or patronizing.
One dad-to-be decided to turn to Reddit for some advice, not so much about parenting but about his pregnant wife. Reddit user Complex-Inside363 shared that he and his wife had recently gone to her doctor’s appointment. His wife was 36-weeks pregnant at the time, and she received some news that she found concerning but he did not find concerning at all.
“We had an ultrasound last week. Our son measured over 8 pounds even though my wife was only 36 weeks. She was told that our baby could be a 10 pounder and was upset because her doctor advised her to mentally prep for a C-section if he ends up being that big. She is also worried about having to deliver him vaginally if a C-section isn’t required because he will be so large.”
It seems completely reasonable to us to be concerned about delivering a 10 pound baby. In an ideal world, the dad-to-be would’ve known what to say to his wife to help her feel better about the situation, but instead, he said something that made things worse.
“She has been upset about it for days and I told her that I thought she was worrying way too much since my mother gave birth to me and my two brothers with no issue and we all weighed over 9 pounds. She even did it naturally.
That apparently was the wrong thing to say and she had a breakdown. I was told I was unsupportive for telling her that she shouldn’t be worried instead of acknowledging her concerns, which I don’t get.”
He went on to defend himself by saying that “those scans from what I have read aren’t even that accurate.” This is a valid point, but what he did next made his situation even worse.
“I still suggested that she speak to my mom about her experience because I knew that she’d assure her it wasn’t as bad as she was expecting. She said she didn’t want to speak to my mom, but I asked my mom to call her anyway when she was still sulking. She also got upset over this.”
First of all, we can all probably agree that an unwelcome call from your mother-in-law is something none of us would get excited about. We hope the mother-in-law knew better than to make that phone call.
The dad-to-be is apparently clueless because he really thought he was helping.
“I was only trying to help her and stop her from worrying, and the best way to do that, I thought, was by pointing out my mom’s experience with big babies.”
If you don’t understand why the mom-to-be was so offended by her husband’s comments, the Reddit users who commented on the dad-to-be’s post can clear it up for you.
Reddit user lightwoodorchestra explained that this new dad needs to acknowledge his wife’s feelings instead of dismissing them as unimportant.
“Just because one woman had a certain experience does not mean it will be easy for your wife and it’s certainly not ‘nothing to worry about’. Instead of supporting her and acknowledging her feelings you basically just told her they weren’t valid. Giving birth for the first time is frightening and knowing about potential complications makes it even more so. Then you got your mommy to intervene even though your wife explicitly asked you not to. You have a lot of growing up to do, and fast.”
Reddit user widowspeak27 clearly explained why his wife is so upset and offered advice about how he can make things better instead of worse.
“Your wife is having her first child and it’s her body that is about to go through the ringer. Not yours.
She is not your mother.
Let me repeat that because it’s important: your wife is not your mother. No two pregnancies are the same. Your wife’s body is not your mother’s body (if it was, that would be gross, right?), and neither one of their bodies are yours to determine what’s worth making a fuss about.
I promise you that the last thing your wife wanted to hear was “don’t worry my mom did this three times and she’s perfect lol stop being irrational.” Those might not have been your exact words but that is exactly what you’re saying.
Dismissing a spouse’s fear – especially about something concerning their own damn body – is not healthy partnership behavior. Comparing your wife to your mother is not the compliment you think it is. Going against your wife’s clearly spoken desire not to talk to your mother about it by having your mom call her? Are you trying to sabotage the marriage? Because this is how you sabotage a marriage.
If you want to repair the relationship I suggest some severe introspection, making major attempts to empathize with your wife, and some heartfelt apologies. She is stressed out and afraid from making a gigantic baby. She doesn’t need your shit.”
Other Reddit users are crossing their fingers that this guy is just a troll. Reddit user 2006bruin wrote:
“You’ve got to be a troll because nobody could be this stupid.”
In case he isn’t a troll, Reddit user yachtiewannabe offered some advice that this dad-to-be probably needs by spelling out exactly what it means to be supportive.
“Your mom and wife are presumably different women with different bodies. Also, when in human history has telling someone who is worried not to worry actually helped them not worry? Being supportive is saying, I hear you, it’s okay to be nervous, and I will be there with you and support you before, during and after.”