When you get married, you might think no one can ever be as important to you. Well, until you have kids. But your spouse is sill important. But your kids are REALLY important. But your spouse DID come first. But your kids are…your kids!

As you can see, there are a lot of “but”s here—and for good reason. It’s apparently a pretty common debate about whether spouses or kids should be “more important” in your life. And in a recent Reddit thread, people have opinions. Here are the most common responses. Which side are you on?

1. Love Kids More, Love Spouse First

   “Putting your spouse before your children, as a natural byproduct, enhances your children’s lives and enhances the lives of the married couple. The married couple has a better relationship, thereby every aspect of their lives, that are in their control, is bettered. The children’s lives are bettered by having a better example of what a healthy relationship looks like and living in a more stable and loving home. Love your kids more by loving your spouse first.”

2. It’s a Different Kind of Love

   “The love isn’t equal. There is no love like a love for children. I’ve met so many condescending people without kids throughout my years who make fun of kids, pictures of kids, etc…but then they have a kid and suddenly ‘they get it.’”

3. Children First, No Question

   “My children are my heart outside of my body, everyone else is expendable which may sound cruel but it’s true. You can always find out your ‘soulmate’ is a lying sack of garbage. My kid could turn into a piece of sh*t and I’d still love them even if it was painful.”

4. But It’s Also Okay to Put Your Souse First

   “It’s not that you should love your spouse more, but it is OK to. You don’t get to choose how much you actually love someone after all. It just is what it is. I love my wife more than I love my daughter, although I certainly love both of them strongly. On the other hand, I am pretty sure that my wife loves our daughter more than she loves me. I am OK with that. My wife is the far superior and much more enthusiastic parent than I am.”

5. It’s a Different Kind of Love

   “This situation is exactly why is that Greeks had several types of love and different words for each one oh, because the manner in which you love your children is wildly different in the manner in which you love your spouse.”

6. You Simply Can’t Compare It

   “What is healthy and creates actual strong nuclear families I’ve noticed, are the people who grew up with their parents reenforcing love and support never as a competition to their significant others, but a separate sort of love as a family. Every healthy person I know who has a strong outlook in relationships had parents who never compared their love for each other but worked as a team to support their families and children.”

7. It Differs Upon the Situation

   “There certainly are times when you need to put your kids needs above your spouses. Simply because there are things children don’t understand. If they are not given priority in certain situations it can damage their self-esteem and grow into bigger mental health issues as they get older.”

8. Prioritizing The Spouse, But Loving the Kids Indefinitely

   “My parents definitely modeled putting each other first. Their reasoning was, one day the kids will grow up and move out/on with their lives and we’ll still be together. If all of our energy and focus was put into the kids then you have to face the fact that your relationship has fizzled and has no “purpose” since your “joint tasks” are gone. All of us kids and spouses and striving for the same thing. It’s not loving them LESS, it’s just prioritizing the relationship that doesn’t come as naturally…because you’re much more likely to fall out of love with your spouse than your children.”

9. It’s All About Balance

   “I don’t think having a loving relationship with your wife is putting her before your kids. It’s having a family in balance. I will say this though, if my wife whom I love very much, were to leave me I would be crushed and heartbroken, but I would eventually get over it and move on. Happened to me once already. If something were to happen where I could no longer see my kids anymore, I would not get over it. I could not move on.”

10. There’s No Comparison

    “I can’t imagine rating on a scale my spouse and my children.”

11. Think of It in a Different Hierarchy

    “Instead, I think the hierarchy should be like this: Children’s needs, spouse’s needs, spouse’s wants, children’s wants. The children’s needs always have to go first in any marriage because they’re dependent on their parents. But when it comes to everything else, your spouse should come first. I would never ask my husband to prioritize me if his kids needed something. Like, if I wanted to go on a date but his kid was sick or going through something and needed their dad, I’d tell him to spend time with his kid and take me out some other time. But I would be kind of pissed if he was prioritizing them over me all the time even in frivolous situations.”

What are your thoughts on loving your spouse or children more?