Recently, a blogger by the name of Mike Berry posted an article to his site entitled “4 Reasons the Health of Your Marriage Must Come Before Your Children.” Although the title is simple enough, it has been one that has sent shockwaves through the online parenting community, thus opening up a much-needed dialogue about prioritizing romantic partnerships during the busiest times of life.

But, before we dive into the post, we just have to tell you about Mike Berry’s amazing family. He and his wife Kristin, have been married for nearly 20 years, and in those two decades, they have raised 16 children together! The adoptive parents have also fostered nine others and are now even super-involved grandparents. It seems like an amazing life, but for Mike, the parenting successes have had everything to do with maintaining a great relationship with Kristin.

He writes:

We love our children and we consider our role in their life to be a huge investment. We committed a long time ago to be there for them, and to always be hands on and involved in their life. But, there’s still us. There’s still our relationship. There’s still the health of our marriage to consider and pay attention to.

The cornerstone of your family is not your children. They are a part of the foundation, and make up a major part of the structure, but they’re not the main thing that holds this whole beautiful mess together. That’s you. You and your wife, you and your husband, you and your partner. It’s your responsibility to lead your family, and your home. Your children are looking to the two of you for direction and example (more on this in a minute).

We do certainly agree that “direction and example” are big factors that can encourage feelings of security in growing kiddos. The husband and father goes on by reminiscing about his and Kristin’s relationship, and why he holds tight to the memories he had prior to having little ones.

Before they existed it was the two of us. We fell in love, skipped class to be together, stayed up too late talking on the phone (that was tied to the wall by a cord), and eventually committed to forever with one another. We were the beginning. We kicked this whole party off. Then these beautiful children came along. And we’re sure thankful they did because they fill our life with so much joy. But, our union is sacred. Our union is holy. With all of our power we must protect that sacredness.

Nothing lasts forever. Our little darlings are going to grow up and move out of our nest at some point. I don’t know about you but there’s no room for a 30-year old kid in my basement. After they’re out in the world, living on their own, raising their own family, being the beautiful human beings they were meant to be, it will be just the two of us once again. And we want us to be healthy, strong, and still as committed as we were when we first began this journey. In order to make sure the future us is protected, we must put the us of today first. This is not easy. We’ll get to that in a second…

Now, we can practically *see* the rolling eyes of all of you parents through the screen. Spending time as a couple once kids come into the picture is a difficult task that requires quite a bit of patience, planning, and fortitude. And, amazingly, it seems like this large family has cracked the code. The husband continues:

I don’t know about you, but I want my children to grow up with a healthy view of relationships- dating, engaged, or married. I want the health of my marriage to give them a healthy view of what marriage is, and what it should be. That’s why, I put my wife first, and them second. Close second, but still second.

At the end of the day, this is a tension you must manage. Your children do need you, and they are important. After your spouse, they come next. Not friendships, not careers, not hobbies.Them. And you must take care of them. But take care of your marriage first and foremost. If that crumbles, the confidence that your children have now, will begin to erode. When they see you loving their mother, or their father, they will love them too. But most importantly, they will have a confidence in themselves, and a confidence in the world around them.

Our schedule is busy all the time. I meanall….the….time! It seems to never stop. We are on with our children all the time. That’s why we guard 9pm on each night. That’s why we intentionally schedule date night a couple times a month. It must be a value. And it must be consistent.

We must come first.

Slow. Clap. While we would really love to know how often this couple’s 9 pm catch-up time gets ruined by a sick kid or a temper tantrum of the century, we’re still impressed by the fact that a plan is in place. Good on them!

To read more wisdom from this very special couple’s blog, be sure to visit them at Confessions of an Adoptive Parent.

We’d love to get your take on this husband’s post! Do you agree that spouses should be more important than children? If not, why so? Do you have any parenting or marriage advice that you would like to share?