Having kids is terrifying. I only have nibblings (nieces and nephews), and even I’m stressed out! It’s like as soon as you have a child in your life you can’t ever close both eyes at the same time again. Sure, it can take them 45 minutes just to put on a dang coat, but they are little speed demons when they want to be- just ask the parents from these 13 stories where they looked away for just. a. second.

 

  1. Home Run!

    “I was at my buddy’s place, sitting in the garden with a beer. His kids were 7 and 5 — both super nice. Out of nowhere, the eldest calmly walks up behind his dad and takes a full home-run swing at his head with his foam bat. Fucking clobbers him. This bat is coated in foam, but it’s still wood beneath it, so it’s basically mid-level assault, maybe attempted murder. Dazed, the dad turns round to defend himself, at which point the youngest sees his opportunity, grabs the beer from the table, and starts chugging it. Not just drinking it, full-on frat boy chugging it out of nowhere. In the three seconds it takes me to recover from the shock and reach across the table to stop him, the kid drank about two-thirds of the bottle. It’s not much for an adult but a lot for a kid weighing about 14 pounds. Within about three seconds, we went from nice family BBQ to concussed adult, domestically abused by a 7-year-old, and a wasted 5-year-old. It went real dark, real quick.” —u/Black_Sky_Thinking

  2. It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s MY KID!

    “I work from home. My 3-year-old son is usually with me while I work in the evening. One night, I take a call, and he was sitting on the floor next to me, playing with his cars. The next minute, I look over and watch him fly through the air next to me. He had climbed up on our table and just launched himself off! I always mute myself when I’m not speaking when he’s home, so thank god the customer didn’t hear my ‘OH MY GOD’ as I caught him.” —u/as_told_byginger

  3. School of Hard Locks

    “My then–5-year-old daughter was very defiant. She wouldn’t get out of the car in the kiss-and-drop lane. I was four weeks postpartum — no shoes and dressed in sweat pants and a nursing tank. I hopped out to open her door, and she locked the doors. Here I am, lactating, blocking the line, ready to either collapse in an emotional sobbing heap or break the windows out of the car. This escalated to the entire parking lot being rerouted before my neighbor showed up with spare keys. When my daughter saw her with the keys, she hopped out of the other side, yelled, ‘Have a good day!’ and ran into the school.” —u/Chloedancer1234

  4. Little Lizzie Borden

    “When my daughter was little, probably about 3, she went with me to shop for some tools. I turned away to look at something and heard behind me, ‘Daddy, what’s this?’ ‘Uh, honey, that’s an axe. Please give it to me.’ She did, and all was well, but I’m glad my wife wasn’t there — she would have panicked.” —u/retailguy_again

  5. Sleepin’ With the Fishes

    “My toddler grabbed a stick of butter out of the fridge and tossed it into the fish tank. Minutes later, all the fish were floating dead in the fish tank. Last time we owned fish.” —u/earthenfirebrand

  6. More Than She Could Chew

    I glanced at the salt, and my toddler daughter grabbed a whole new potato off my plate and shoved it in her mouth. She then tried to swallow it and choked. Longest 15 seconds of my life getting it out of her. Learn child first-aid, people! They are suicide machines as toddlers.” —u/Mischeese

  7. Clumsy in the Kitchen

    “My daughter was 18 months old, standing in between my husband and me in the kitchen, arm-distance from both of us. She slipped, fell, and broke two front teeth.” —u/Why_So_Slow

  8. Freeze Out

    “When our daughter was around 3 and our son was 2, my wife went into the garage to grab a frozen pizza out of the deep freezer. One of the kids shut the door and locked my wife in the garage. She was banging on the door and could hear the little boogers in there laughing at her. My wife was not amused. She got a flathead screwdriver from my toolbox and managed to unlock the door. This all took 15 minutes or so. When she got in the house, they were in their room watching cartoons and eating cookies that they managed to steal. They would’ve left her out there all night. It’s funny 10 years later, but my wife was scared shitless. We have kept a spare key hidden in the garage ever since.” —u/1980pzx

  9. Drinking and Drying

    “I had been drinking scotch one evening while doing dishes. So I’m standing at the sink. I hear my 3-year-old stumble into the room, pull a chair out from the table, and climb up. I then hear a small voice say, ‘Juice!’ as I turn to watch him dump about 0.5 oz of single malt into his mouth. This was immediately followed by a gasp, then he turned bright white, then bright red. He went to bed early that night.” —u/theservman

  10. Oh, the Irony!

    “Husband was reading a sign about watching your children on the trail at Gooseberry Falls in MN. He looks up to see middle child heading to the edge of the trail. People fall every year. Some die. I was further down the trail with the youngest. He kept a firm grip on her for the rest of the walk.” —u/MNConcerto

  11. We Do Not Negotiate with Toddlers

    I was making dinner for my 18-month-old twins when boy twin starts to fuss. So I carefully put the knife about a foot away from the edge of the counter. I intentionally put it away from the edge because my girl twin is NOT to be trusted. I go change my boy, turn around, and my girl is casually holding my large, sharp chopping knife. I had to get it from her like a hostage negotiator so she wouldn’t run away with it. I couldn’t figure out how she got it, so I looked at the video. As soon as my back was turned, she was grabbing the cutting board to pull the knife closer and then immediately skipped over the carrots and peeler to grab the knife. I was clearly correct in not trusting that feral child.” —u/try_new_stuff

  12. Snug as a Bug in a Rug

    “I went to the toilet, leaving the newborn asleep on a blanket on the floor (on top of a large fluffy carpet). My 3-year-old was watching TV nearby. I came back to find the baby literally rolled up in carpet like a dead body and the 3-year-old sitting on top, with a cushion under him, too. I still don’t know how he did it at all — let alone so quickly — and how the baby was totally chill and unharmed.” —u/peripateticpeople

  13. The Disappearing Act

    “My son was 3, and we were leaving Target. He left my sight as I was adjusting my bags. Maybe two seconds, tops. Poof. He was gone. I try to act cool, but my true-crime podcast obsession got the best of me. The store locks down. We are all looking for him. People are checking cars outside. I’m calling my son’s name louder than any intercom system. We were just about to call the police. And then my toddler slides out of the cart area and acts like, ‘Sup?’ He decided it would be a most excellent idea to shimmy underneath the carts and sit there as the world turns inside out searching for him. I hugged him and yelled at him for a good 10 minutes, ugly sobbing. 100/100 grateful for my Target folks. We catered lunch for them as a huge ‘thank you and sorry my kid is an a-hole.'” —u/Italics12

 

That’s it, I’m taping my eyes open from now on!

Have you ever looked away for just a second and all hell broke loose? Tell us about it in the comments!