These Are 11 of the Absolute Worst Christmas Songs of All Time
Getting into the holiday spirit comes with all sorts of fun activities—baking gingerbread cookies, decorating the tree, and watching all the Hallmark Christmas classics on TV. But one of my favorite ways to celebrate? Listening to Christmas music.
From “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” to “Drummer Boy” and “Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland,” we know what the good Christmas songs are. They’re the ones that make you smile in the car as you pass all the houses with red and green lights twinkling and you feel a sense of pure festive bliss.
But then there are some Christmas songs that just should never have been recorded. While it’s hard to screw up such joyous music, there are several instances in which this has happened. Whether the lyrics make no sense, or the melody is off, there are some pretty bad holiday songs out there.
Call us a grinch, but here it is: The absolute worst Christmas songs of all time. Get ready to cringe.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” by Bruce Springstein
I think people just feel like they have to like this song because society says so, but if you really listen to it, it’s just bad. Like, we know Santa Claus is coming to town. It’s Christmas time. And don’t tell that I better watch out, or pout, or cry. Don’t tell me what to DO. Just seems a bit pushy and ridiculous, if you ask me.
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas,” by Gayla Peevey
The idea behind this song might’ve been cute in the 50s, but my goodness. Gayla, you’re giving off a bit of greedy vibes if we do say so ourselves. A hippo is quite the big wish list item, and this little lady is being quite demanding about it. Christmas is about giving, not always receiving, right? Just because you want a hippo doesn’t mean you’re gong to get one!
“Two Front Teeth,” by Jimmy Buffet
Sure, the cutesy child voice makes you not picture a dirty bum with no teeth, but it’s still a bit of a weird notion for a Christmas song. The song starts off with people always staring at the girl because of her missing two front teeth, which isn’t cool, and then lists other reasons why missing teeth stinks—for example, the fact that she can’t properly say “Merry Christmas.” It’s just kind of an all-around downer.
“Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas),” by John Denver
God this is a depressing song. A little boy singing about his alcoholic father, begging him to put the booze down so that his mother won’t be sad. Can this terrible song not exist around the holidays? What was John Denver thinking?
“Mistletoe,” Justin Bieber
First off, any Christmas song that utilizes the word “shawty” feels a bit strange. And let’s face it—Biebs is totally dismissing any family activities to go under the mistletoe to meet his bae. Kinda sounds like he’s just going to be waiting there forever. *Shrug*
“Wonderful Xmas Time” by Paul McCartney
This song doesn’t really say anything, if we’re being honest. “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” is repeated about 80,000 times, and not only does it get stuck in your head days after Christmas has passed, he doesn’t even sound like he’s having that wonderful of a Christmas time. C’mon, a little enthusiasm, McCartney?
“Blue Christmas,” by Elvis
Okay, we get it, it sucks when you can’t celebrate Christmas with your loved one. But do you have to be so depressing about it? You’re just going to be “blue” the entire day, thinking of her? What kind of example is that setting, Elvis, huh?
“Santa Baby,” by Madonna
Christmas is mostly for the kiddos, and this is just a wee bit inappropriate for them. This rich snob is all like “Santa, I want you to bring me all the most expensive things please, and I guess also you too, but maybe I’m really only in it for the presents?” Just not really sure about this one.
“Funky, Funky Christmas” by New Kids on the Block
The tune to this Christmas song is one of the most un-Christmas-y tunes to ever exist. A rap song gone bad, Funky, Funky Christmas should’ve never existed. And who wishes someone a “funky” Christmas? That’s why the term “merry” was invented!
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by the Jackson 5
At first you think a mom is having an affair with St. Nick, but the undertone is that it’s really dad in the Santa suit. Either way, this feels mildly inappropriate for a Christmas song. That poor kid is going to be scarred for life!
The Christmas Shoes, NewSong
Want to know the quickest way to get rid of a cheery mood at the Christmas party? Blast this song. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Okay, I’m sobbing. Let’s not with this song.
Which is the all-time worst Christmas song in your opinion?