In our culture we have this weird idea that if someone gives us something we don’t want, we have to pretend we like it, and allow that item to take up space in our homes forever… it is a dumb waste of money.

I don’t like to waste my money this way, but much worse I feel sick when someone wastes their money giving me something I don’t want.

To eliminate this guess work, our family does the obvious: ever since our kids were young, we have had them provide us with written gift lists prior to birthdays and Christmas. Although buying from their lists eliminates most of the surprise, it also eliminates the waste that comes with outright guessing.

At the same time, we also gave kids items we found secondhand. These were items that supplemented their wish lists. Very often these secondhand items were the favorite gifts, over the newly purchased presents that they had asked for. These used items also provided the only real surprises on Christmas morning and on birthdays.

As the kids moved into their teen years, we found less and less secondhand items we felt confident they would enjoy, so there were years when all gifts were purchased from their lists… Christmas morning was boring formality of opening the presents they knew they would get.

A couple years ago I instituted a new family rule, and this has breathed life into our holidays and birthdays. It has allowed me to take risks again in veering from their lists, and has given us freedom to again give some secondhand items. I announced this rule before family members had begun Christmas shopping.

Our new rule: If a family member receives a gift that he did not request on his list, he is allowed to decline that gift… no guilt, no hurt feelings. Items that are declined can be claimed by another family member.

My children are old enough (teenage to young adult) to understand that this is a rule we do only among ourselves… not with their friends and relatives. They also know to use some discretion and tact when rejecting items. We all understand that despite living with each other all these years, we’re still often clueless as to what others want.

So that first year, I strayed from the kids’ lists I bought new items only if those items could be easily returned to stores. If I bought secondhand items, I bought them only if extremely inexpensive, or something I might want to keep if the items were rejected. Now that kids’ want items for dorm rooms or apartments, I could buy cool household items that I figured SOMEONE might want.

I am pleased to report that since this new rule, we have had the most fun ever on Christmas mornings. The first year, of perhaps thirty secondhand gifts, half a dozen were rejected. Of those only one $3 item was not claimed by someone. It was amusing to see which kid claimed which item, I was often very surprised… who knew one son would want a wooden roll-top bread box?

In a few cases, I put some cool stuff under the tree as “up for grabs.” Those items were also claimed.

Last night we celebrated my adult son’s birthday. He had told us not to buy him gifts, as he couldn’t think of anything he wanted. But this past week I found him a silly joke present at the thrift shop. It was a rotary telephone… chrome, contemporary but retro, absurdly tall and cartoon-looking. It just made me burst out laughing. I bought it for 50 cents, and wrapped it up without showing it to other family members. I knew he would reject it, and planned to re-donate it to the thrift shop. When he opened the present we all had a good laugh… except for my 18-year-old daughter who immediately piped up, “I dibs it!” She wanted the phone for her dorm room. I had been so sure no one would want this silly item, I never even checked to see if it worked. It does.